Awesome America

What’s awesome about America is how proud we are of our collective dysfunction. We are unapologetically daft. America does crazy the same way we do everything else. Loud and proud. Perhaps a little bit prouder than those other things I sometimes think.

How do Americans eat? We eat big. We eat huge. Giant flavor. Lots of fat. Gargantuan portions. Tons of sugar and salt. How do Americans drive? We drive huge SUV’s and expensive sports cars and pick up trucks big enough to house several Chinese families. How do Americans do religion? We are fanatical. We obsess over Jesus and purity and righteousness. We naturally assume our religions is the right one and proceed to condemn all others. How do Americans do sex? Eh, we’re not so good at that. It’s genetic. We have small penises and watch a lot of porn. But that’s a big secret. On the surface we scorn it and call it filth. Cuz we’re Americans. We’re better than everyone else in every way.

How do Americans do guns? We love guns. They make us feel better about our small penises and less than stellar sexual prowess. Note to the rest of the world – surgical penis enlargement could be a recipe for world peace.

How do Americans do money. Oh god, we do it like a coked up, mentally handicapped whore. Money is the only thing we love more than we love ourselves and America. Well, that and bacon. We really love bacon. And money. And pork.